ive--rental sedans away!

2004-06-10T10:05:00.000-07:00

you guys got the insurance, right?

as we've come to learn in the past, you can't just cross into quebec (or cuabek, to nancy) thinking you still fall into the natural order of the known universe.
this was fine last night when three of us got to watch one of the most amazing spectacles of a sunset in the history of clouds that, if turned upside down would make a pretty convincing go of playing the planet jupiter, turning every shade from bright yellow to blood red over the span of about 45 minutes with a background score provided by do make's &yet&yet. that was actually perfectly alright with us. the real theatrics came about an hour later when sean, fresh from earning us our first ever speeding ticket, had a head to head show down with three transport trucks. let it be said that we were originally in the wrong as we had our high beams on:

the first in the line of tractortrailors was in the middle of blinding us with his backwards aiming super lights as we pulled out to pass him.

christ:"hey, i think it means he wants you to turn your high beams off."
sean(insistent):"they aren't on!"

we proceeded to pass him, despite his further attempts to fuck up the night. when twenty yards later we go to pass the next truck, which is following closely behind a third, that driver starts giving it to us with the bright mirror lights, too! sean, undaunted, speeds up to pass in our tricked out rental mobile. all of a sudden the truck up at the front is in our lane somehow, just ahead of the second truck and they're both flashing like the dickens! this is where the super-nuts quantum leap part comes in - the first truck we passed totally starts givin' er on his high beams and speeds up so that we're trapped between three crazy french optimus primes and they're all trying to give us a seisure. this was one of the greatest moments of my life. we drove for at least fifteen seconds with all three trucks veering a little closer once in a while. i definately thought we were dead. if nothing else i will remember this about the burdocks: nancy will never miss a chance to flip out in a sticky situation. seth is very calm and reassuring when it's not him doing the work. i love almost getting killed and sean is some kind of car-robot.
when sean made a move to pass the front truck in the ten feet of space between him and the second truck, that driver whips his tractor trailor back into the right lane, which really should have caused an amazing *three semi, one sedan* pileup. alas, sean somehow managed to pull us back into the other lane and speed by them all.
then we stopped for gas. then we had to pass the same three trucks again.
after that we spent a pretty calm evening following the most insane lights show on the road. it actually had to have been a ufo. and it was going so fast. since we were listening the faint's blank wave arcade, we proceeded to have a rave in the car at 154 clicks.

sean(an hour later): oh! my high beams were on. fuck.

hey sean, how much is it for going 154 again?
oh yeah, and then sean touched a prostitute and we slept in a sedan in a parking lot. let's go rental car!

2004-05-29T15:45:00.000-07:00

Guess where we are?

2004-05-27T10:16:00.001-07:00

spent the night at a the cheapest motel in toronto.an old lady tried to make out with me in a cafe while i was having breakfast. also i found a petro canada gift card for $100 on the road that we'll try to use on gas. the mechanic charged us $140 and made our truck problems worse. we had a meeting with our new guy who helps us do stuff. i slept on the couch and woke up with a very bad case of the sore throat.

2004-05-25T11:43:00.000-07:00

Sean can't make the calls today for replacement glass, because everyone else in the room gets annoyed when he repeatedly refers to the Iveco as "A bit of a rare duck" to mechanics. Seth and Nancy say we can't go home until several hundred vehicle problems are fixed. We are in Toronto now, and for upwards of three days.
The Burdocks would also like to introduce their brand new managerial team: Oliver Knutton,
Giant Amongst Men, Champion of the month, and the man who will impose new order (of operations) on this rag-tag ensemble.

Seth's too depressed to even use the internet.

2004-05-24T01:19:00.000-07:00

the show tonight was amazing. i'm still awake because on the road back from simcoe, and i don't know what i was thinking at 2am, i got a hot caf at a gas station. if the camera hadn't run out of tape there would be some MAD footage of the ripping loaded kids carting around pieces of this construction site next to the venue. this thing was like a five-hundred-pound rick-shaw(sp?) and there were four of them on it and one pulling and then they jumped off and gave the thing a ghost ride down the middle of the street so half of them could go bother some deranged man down the block and the other half try to shake down the no parking sign beside the van.

the kids are alright. they just also happen to be on the dance glue.

2004-05-23T11:33:00.000-07:00

Is it intentional that no one comments on my silly entries?
It is isn't it?
It hurts, you know.
Christ san say anyold interesting, well written thing that actually has to do with the band and what's going on, and you're crashing your computers to respond to it.

I comment on your blogs.
tears.

2004-05-23T00:03:00.000-07:00

well sean, where DO i want to stay tonight?

we are back in kitchener after playing two of the best shows of the tour in brantford and cambridge. i am about to see a change of clothes for the first time in two days, since i left my laundry in lurz' dryer, and i've never needed it more.
also, laura has taken the opportunity to see her dad which means two things: 1)awesome. 2)she gets/has to take a break from the constant video taping/drunkenness that has defined the last week for her. she will be back soon, and will likely pick up this trend where she left off.

there is a pretend radarfame webesite here including a really fast-o live recording from the idiot show the other month.

looks like i get mercy's house (including free pizza. take that sean. although i'm sure the video games you'll be playing somehow make up for it in your twisted mind).

after the brantford show we played a frigging tonne of foosball (i got basically destroyed the whole time), and then to repair my damaged self-esteem we played some hybrid soccer-foursquare-tennis game that was awesome and will be the our game of choice for the duration of this tour.

expect the following things upon our return:

-hours upon hours of (often meaningless to anyone else) video footage.
-us to be none the tighter in hell on the fifth.
-me to bum money/food from you.
-more facial hair. not necessarily more attractive.
-a smell that is bound to stay with us for at least two weeks.

you can't wait.

2004-05-21T00:36:00.000-07:00

clearly, i don't know what day it is.
if i did i would be correct in wishing my sister a happy twentieth birthday. but it's probably been at least two days since that day. it's also been so long i forgot what the internet looked like.

2004-05-20T22:59:00.000-07:00

The Burdocks are not dead.
But we often wish it were so, in death we would at least be unable to smell our own death stenches.

The Wild Wild West does not believe in the World Wide Web at all. We had the Internet in Van "double encore" couver, but I was way too stoked about my new video camera to write anything down. Writing blogs is the past and video logs (vlogs) are the future.
I bought a video camera. Those of you with your fingers on the pulse of my financial status are all like "No no you didn't, not even a stolen one from a pawn shop on East Hastings".
Well, you're wrong. So, stay tuned for BTV.
So very many things have happened. We've been backtracking so mostly things have lost their glow and we are jaded and without East coast naivete. We see the mountains through our jaded eyes and it's just "Ya, I guess."
But that doesn't mean we weren't infinitely entertained when good cop/bad cops pulled us over outside of TBay because Seth drives like a gas huffer. They said that a big rig trucker had phoned him in when he swerved into the opposing lane. Fair enough, that's how he stays awake. Then they said that touring bands always have drugs and they usually just hand them over. Wha...?
We're in K/W, after an awesome show with UBCLF and Silent Film Soundtrack. There are more people here than at a Hamilton show, so I'm going to go 'merch them up' (get drunk).
There'll be updates soon.

2004-05-11T19:55:00.000-07:00

we're in kamloops, the "tournament capital" of canada, believe it or not.
we just had an amazingly big and equally free meal at the home of laura's aunt, linda. last night we slept in a mountain but didn't get eaten by bears OR accosted/raped/killed in the black of night. it was actually the darkest it has ever been last night.

sean: absolutely
nankr: seriously
chrits: obviously
sleth: actually
laura: clearly

ok.

2004-05-09T18:34:00.000-07:00

Smashy-smashy.

After the Saturday night show at Seedy's, we retreated to Sherri and Eli's place to park the van and optionally to go to a party with a bunch of chemists. I had to get out of the van once we got in the vicinity of the place to look at house numbers. After I found the place, I got back into the van to tell the rest of Team Iveco the sitch. I pulled the paasenger door closed with the usual (excessive) amount of force I always use, as it tends not to close properly before the 5th or 6th attempt.

This time, however, the small, triangular pane of glass in the window shattered into thousands of pieces and fell like hail down the sides of the door. Oaths and curses were uttered by all, and we taped a Canadian Tire bag into the vacant hole. I resolved to join the chemists in getting righteously blotto and going to bed at 5am.

The next morning, we took the utmost advantage of Sherri and Eli's gracious hospitality, occupying their laptops, phones, and living spaces for the better part of the day. Further progress was made on the tour, Value Village got pillaged once again, despite slim pickings, and Sherri procured some clear plastic from her lab to provide a mid-term solution to our new window problem. I leave you now, to go eat the wonderful food they're cooked us, and to head to Red Deer for some guerilla open mic action.

2004-05-09T17:27:00.000-07:00

We are in the truck for eight hours most days.
It smells like paint and Nacho Cheezies and Nacho Cheese feet. You can basically tell how often we shower by how often there are blog entries. Cleanliness is next to Dorkiness.
The prairies are turbo long. Just when you think you've seen every farm in the whole world you see eighty more farms. All that space makes you come to conclusions. We concluded that if we were animals Seth would be a fox, Nancy would be a goat, Christian would be a weasel or a ferret (he concluded this independently) I would be a bird, Sean concluded small and chirpy. He concluded that he would be a duck which none of us could get around at all. Then we passed a pond where two ducks were mating one another all over and we realised he knew more about ducks than we do.
Nancy drives. A huge rock spun out from a transport truck and bulleted the $2000 windshield in direct alignment with her forehead and she just kept driving. She yells at all the animals and tells us what breeds the horses are and how you make donkeys and mules and other things. The Iveco is unusually huge and it takes all hundred and twelve pounds of Nancy to change gears.
People stare. In Winnipeg Seth and Nancy watched a woman, decked head to toe in sparkly tight pink pleather, speedwalk into a tree. She was turning her neck around like Beatlejuice, chewing a hamburger with her mouth wide open. I guess when her head made contact hamburger paste fell out onto the sidewalk.
Seth drives when he can't get out of it. He and Christian work all day on stencils. Christ walked into Seedy's last night and standing near him in his just finished shirt was gave one a pleasant buzz. We helped that out with free beer and watched a Victoria pop band called Immaculate Machine be pretty. They're playing Salvation and the Khyber in Halifax soon, and North by North East the same day as us.
We finished the beer tickets and moved the bus to Sherri's house. Sean said goodnight to us while slamming the sticky door and breaking the window. It's all good because we wanted a Canadian Tire bag for a window anyway.
We're eating pizza now, then it's Red Deer.

2004-05-06T16:29:00.000-07:00

It took us as long to cross Ontario as it did to get from Haligonia to Torontonia.
I have figured out how to summarize the entire three days for you. We're at a truckstop just
outside of Gwilliamsburg (you heard me), we stink and we need more coffee. Christian's on the phone
doing an interview. I get the feeling that we're very rock and decide to break the cloud of
anonymity that we've been travelling under. I ask the young waitress:
"Do you have many indie celebrities stop here for breakfast?"
She says:
"What's that?"
I am smiling and she isn't. I say:
"You know, independant rock stars."
She says:
"What's that?
I look to Seth and Nance and Sean for help. They're not helping. I say:
"Like, rock stars who aren't famous. It's a joke."
She says:
"No. And I don't listen to that kind of music."

We had to be in Thunder Bay on our way to Winnipeg so Nancy had booked a show at a place called
Soundchecks, which is attatched to a Celtic bar called Fionn MacCools (you heard me). Thunder Bay
is cold and ugly. The Burdocks fanfare at Mr.MacCools consists of one cranky waitress, a
confused soundguy and a drunk man with gin blossoms on his nose and fifty cigars haging out of his
mouth. The soundguy didn't know who we were or why were there, so we knew that the show was well
promoted. The waitress gets Nancy in touch with the owner, who says the "open jam"(?) they were
supposed to play fell through. We cheered because we'd just found a poster that told us that April
Wine was playing down the street, and Nancy knows their guitar tech who'd told her that we could get
in to any AW show for free if we came across them on our tour. Seth is running and leaping to the
Auditorium and screaching AW at the top of his joyfilled lungs. We walk around to the back all
covert and go in the stage door. The woman behind the counter is everyone's mom and she says that the
show's already started and there's nothing she can do and she can't let us in and she's really sorry.
We are pathetic and our night's ruined and Seth's almost crying and we leave April Wine a copy of "I
Have a Million Friends" because we think they will like it and it's not April Wine's fault that we
can't get in, even if it is their fault that their rock show started at eight thirty. We walk in the
front doors and a bouncer saunters over to us and everyone thinks we're being turfed but I make big
eyes and tell him our plight and he rubs our backs and apologises to us on the behalf of Thunder Bay
and says he'll take us in if we don't mind sitting in the back. It doesn't matter where you are at an
AW show because everyone is sitting down anyway. They're not even nodding their heads, they're just
old and waiting to go to bed, even if AW has an awesome drum solo and funny pension jokes, except
for Seth whose smile is breaking his face in half.
After the show we talked to our guitar tech and he gave Seth the AW set list, the Iveco's
newest and most prized poster. Our mom from back stage came in and looked shocked to see us actually
talking to the man we said we knew. She still wasn't convinced that a bunch of us sketchy kids
could have any connection to the great April Wine and she asked him if he wanted her to get rid of
us. We rode our good luck back to Soundchecks and a whole free pitcher of Blue. After slamming it we
thanked the owner for very little and slept in his parking lot.
We're being well cared for in Windypeg now.This was way too long. I didn't even talk about the Haunted House or the Pink Pleather Lady. Sorry. More later.

2004-05-03T07:50:00.000-07:00

Kate gives us all Whiskey Sours and we drink them. We are in Toronto which is Algonquin for "No one knows how to drive and we refuse to let you park anywhere". We decide that a kind note to Kate's neighbours will make it OK for us to park in their empty spot and sleep soundly.
Nancy wrote this note and staggered outside:

Dear neighbours,
We're sorry, there's a large white truck in your driveway. We are in the truck. If you want us to move knock. We are staying at xxx Crawford.
Thank you very much.
The people in the bus.

We sleep. And then we wake, quickly, to a kick, a backward roll and the loudest yelling ever. It is saying "Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho-oh! Car go! Car go! Car go!" My eyes are opening as fast as they open, and they are still almost too slow to see Nancy turn into light speed and scrabble over the ampitheatre seats and fall feet first into the drivers seat. There's an angry Asian neighbour at the window and he is saying that we hit his car already, but he thinks already means almost. Nancy puts on her work voice, and sachrine is dripping all over her face from it. He is still angry, but now coated in our fake sugar. His wife comes out of the house and I know Nance and I are both thinking "A woman, Reason is here." We will never think that again. She started yelling too and Nancy asked her if she'd gotten the note. She shrieked yes, and shrilled "Not supposed! Not supposed!"
We were not winning so we woke up and moved to the street.
Then there was a show at 360 and some other things after that.

2004-05-02T15:40:00.000-07:00

Day 4: Toronto, ON:
And They Will Know Us By The Trail Of Our Stuff, the Sequel

After three days and two night of on-and-off construction, the interior of the vehicle was completed mere hours before we left. Accomodations are as cozy as the bus, and the new seat (thanks Roger) is quite comfy and provides a lovely view of the road.

About 20 minutes out of town, the van began smoking profusely, so we pulled over. "This patient has too much blood" said Dr. Nick, and after applying leeches, we were on our merry way.

After an overnight stop at a truckstop somewhere in rural New Brunswick, we pressed on to Montreal. The city's layout has ways of making things complicated, so we circled for a bit before coming to rest in front of Casa Del Popolo. We sampled the fine sandwiches the place has to offer, and then played a taxing set in grueling 30-degree heat. Summer seems to have descended upon Upper Canada just as we were arriving. This show was also One Candle Power's last show with guitarist and shit-disturber Moses Mathur, of the Montrealshows boards. A good bit of sad was had by all.

The next morning, hung over from cheap Quebec draft, I stumbled out to the van (sans wallet, of course) and the rest of the gang related the story of how we got rear-ended by a drunk driver in the wee hours of the morning. A quick inspection of the rear of the van suggested that we emerged victorious, and a subsequent inspection of our previously-dysfunctional left signal light proved that we'd actually come out significantly ahead. Burdocks 1, drunk driver 0.

A lengthy drive to Hamilton lay ahead of us, so we hit the road before 10AM, circumnavigating Montreal's absurd tangle of highways. Seth painted our bunks an inoffensive off-white during the drive, and we arrived in time to load in for our early Saturday show. Met the locals, played our set, had dinner with our friend Chris, and shuffled off to Toronto. By this point, the tally of missing equipment and personal effects was as follows:

1 wallet (mine)
1 Hofner Jazzmater clone (Seth's)
2 power bars (Seth's and Nancy's)
2 towels (Christ and Laura's)
1 patch cable (Nance's)

Toronto had its way with us, and a nicotine-deprived Nance made some colorful dietary suggetions to the city and its residents as we dodged killer cabs and kamikaze pedestrians. Our friend Kate was gracious and accomodating as always upon our arrival late at night, and we threw back a few sours before resting for today's show.

Some news tidbits: We made Chart Magazine's website, for those of you who've not read the article yet, here it is. We've also been accepted to NXNE, which is here in Toronto, an awkward 8 or 9 days after we finish our tour. We shall see.

2004-05-02T09:37:00.000-07:00

check chek ceck.h